One of the things that Middle Son has done over the years is teach me to pay attention.
I remember reading that people with low-functioning autism live in a world of their own. That is certainly my experience with Middle Son. I often describe him as living at right angles to the rest of humanity. Occasionally he touches down on Planet Consensual Reality, but unless you are are paying attention, you won't see it and you will miss out on the chance to connect with him.
When Middle was born we had a Golden Retriever named Brandy. Brandy was amazingly tolerant of Middle Son. I remember watching him plant a knee in her eye socket and climb over her head, and she didn't even flinch. But I couldn't tell if Middle was aware of her as anything other than an obstacle on the floor.
The summer that Middle was 3 we had Brandy shaved so that she wouldn't be so hot, or leave so much hair all over the house. Shortly after, I saw Middle walk up to Brandy and poke her very gently with one finger.
He had noticed that she looked different. That showed me that he was in fact aware of the dog. He only did it that one time. I could easily have missed it. And then I wouldn't have known.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Shoes
When Middle Son was getting dressed for school this morning, he put his shoes on the wrong feet. And he left them that way. He appeared to be perfectly comfortable.
I saw that and remembered that Oldest Son used to do that as well. From about ages 3 to 5 (I don't recall exactly, but I think it was something like that), he insisted on wearing his shoes on the wrong feet.
Middle Son craves proprioceptive stimulation; he wants pressure on his body. He likes to be squeezed and mushed. He likes to jump off of things and feel the impact. It's a common craving for people with autism. One of Middle's occupational therapists said that their nervous systems are under-sensitive to proprioception, so then seek out additional stimulation.
When Oldest Son was wearing he shoes on the wrong feet we speculated that it was driven by a desire for pressure. Middle doesn't do it often. Most of the time he gets his shoes on the correct foot. But if he doesn't, he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. I don't know which.
I saw that and remembered that Oldest Son used to do that as well. From about ages 3 to 5 (I don't recall exactly, but I think it was something like that), he insisted on wearing his shoes on the wrong feet.
Middle Son craves proprioceptive stimulation; he wants pressure on his body. He likes to be squeezed and mushed. He likes to jump off of things and feel the impact. It's a common craving for people with autism. One of Middle's occupational therapists said that their nervous systems are under-sensitive to proprioception, so then seek out additional stimulation.
When Oldest Son was wearing he shoes on the wrong feet we speculated that it was driven by a desire for pressure. Middle doesn't do it often. Most of the time he gets his shoes on the correct foot. But if he doesn't, he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. I don't know which.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Hamming It Up
One of the things that I do when I'm engaging with Middle Son is use exaggerated gestures and facial expressions, and generally amp things up as much as I can. I started doing it as a way to get his attention--he lives mostly inside of his own head, so it can take a lot to break through.
Yesterday I was visiting a friend of mine who is in the early stages of what will probably be a very difficult divorce. He had his two younger children with him that evening. I noticed that when I was talking to his kids, I was pretty animated. They were playing with bubbles and said they had built a "bubble machine" in one of the bedrooms. I got all excited to see it, which they loved.
I didn't put the two together until this evening. Middle Son came to me while I was sitting at the computer. He tried to get me out of the chair. He wanted me Rather than get up, I pulled my feet up off the floor. So when he pulled on my hands, he pulled the chair across the room until it ran into the rug in the kitchen.
He didn't like it, but I giggled and rolled the chair back. We repeated it several times. I kept laughing and making funny faces. I spun the chair around. I pulled him in close and then pushed back out. After a couple of repetitions he was laughing too.
Middle Son, as is typical with autistic children, wants to repeat the same patterns over and over. He wants to play the same way every time. This shows up with Oldest Son as well. A couple of years ago he went to visit my parents in Austin. When they asked what he wanted to do, he wanted to go to all the places we went on our last trip there. He was trying to repeat the same happy experience. Which is what Middle does when he wants me to go in his room and tickle him over and over and over.
Tonight, by hamming it up and acting like it was lots of fun, I was able to move Middle Son from trying to repeat his usual pattern to enjoying a different way of playing with me.
Middle Son, as is typical with autistic children, wants to repeat the same patterns over and over. He wants to play the same way every time. This shows up with Oldest Son as well. A couple of years ago he went to visit my parents in Austin. When they asked what he wanted to do, he wanted to go to all the places we went on our last trip there. He was trying to repeat the same happy experience. Which is what Middle does when he wants me to go in his room and tickle him over and over and over.
Tonight, by hamming it up and acting like it was lots of fun, I was able to move Middle Son from trying to repeat his usual pattern to enjoying a different way of playing with me.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Telling the Difference
A friend of mine commented that she really liked the Sundays post. Which prompted me to go back and look at it again.
My favorite part is the end, where I told Oldest that he needs to start learning to tell the difference between someone wanting him to do something is good for them, versus something that is good for him.
It occurs to me that it is worth building on this idea with Oldest. This is an important lesson to learn when dealing with salesmen of any type (especially the ones who want to sell you an extended warranty), when dealing with your personal finances, or when dealing with high-school peers. I think I should create a curriculum for this.
My favorite part is the end, where I told Oldest that he needs to start learning to tell the difference between someone wanting him to do something is good for them, versus something that is good for him.
It occurs to me that it is worth building on this idea with Oldest. This is an important lesson to learn when dealing with salesmen of any type (especially the ones who want to sell you an extended warranty), when dealing with your personal finances, or when dealing with high-school peers. I think I should create a curriculum for this.
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Kitchen
I think Middle Son has been working on kitchen tasks at school. In the last week, he's suddenly gotten interested in cleaning.
This weekend he was dabbing at the kitchen table with a napkin after dinner. I gave him the spray-cleaner and a towel and he wiped down the table and part of the kitchen counters. I had to do some areas that he missed, but still! He was also playing with the scrub brush from the sink.
Tonight he was playing with the scrub brush again. I asked if he wanted to wash the pots from dinner, and he signed yes. So, hand-over-hand, we washed out two pots.
More Morning Trouble
I got a text this morning from MomC about 8:00. As on Wednesday, she was not able to get Middle Son out of bed and dressed for school. He'd been awake for 45 minutes, and was just laughing at her when she told him to get up. She said that if she can'tget Middle Son out of bed, then he will have to sleep at my house every school night.
Which I am not happy about. Getting your children to school is one of the basic parental responsibilities. What does that mean if she gives up on that?
MomC had emailed Middle's teacher last week asking if she had any ideas. She suggested using some sort of reward system. I doubt that will work. We've tried rewards before without any luck. He often seems to be almost completely self-contained--he just doesn't care that much about rewards.
MomC had emailed Middle's teacher last week asking if she had any ideas. She suggested using some sort of reward system. I doubt that will work. We've tried rewards before without any luck. He often seems to be almost completely self-contained--he just doesn't care that much about rewards.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Bubble Bath
Middle Son generally speaking doesn't like bathing. He enjoys sitting in the warm water of the tub and splashing a little, but he doesn't like being soaped and scrubbed and he hates having his hair washed. There have been times in the past when he liked taking baths. In fact, there were periods when he would take 5 showers a day.
We are not in one of those periods now. It's been very difficult to get him in the tub. MomC told me that she has pretty much given up. She's worried about how she's going to keep him clean enough that he doesn't get b.o. during the week of Christmas break that he is at her house.
As I was getting the bath ready for him today, I noticed that there was bubble bath in the cabinet under the sink. I haven't used bubble bath with him for a long time. He liked it. He got into the tub and sat down without any coaxing.
He stood up and let me scrub him with the loofah without much trouble.
Washing his hair was still tough.
We are not in one of those periods now. It's been very difficult to get him in the tub. MomC told me that she has pretty much given up. She's worried about how she's going to keep him clean enough that he doesn't get b.o. during the week of Christmas break that he is at her house.
As I was getting the bath ready for him today, I noticed that there was bubble bath in the cabinet under the sink. I haven't used bubble bath with him for a long time. He liked it. He got into the tub and sat down without any coaxing.
He stood up and let me scrub him with the loofah without much trouble.
Washing his hair was still tough.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Doing a Battle
This morning Youngest Son started dragging toys out into the living room and told me he was going to do a battle.
He put down some blocks and plastic rocks and trees. He informed me that this was the "course." Like in Super Smash Brothers.
Then he lined up action figures and plastic animals in two opposing lines, and told me to come play. I looked at my side, then ran into his room and came up with the dragon that I bought him for his birthday and said the dragon was on my team.
We fought the battle. Then he set up the course again, re-arranged the sides, and we fought another one. Then a third.
It brought back a memory from my childhood. It was while we were living in Topeka, so I was about the same age as Youngest is now. I had set up my plastic army men. My dad brought out the movie camera and filmed an epic, the Battle of the Dining Room.
He put down some blocks and plastic rocks and trees. He informed me that this was the "course." Like in Super Smash Brothers.
Then he lined up action figures and plastic animals in two opposing lines, and told me to come play. I looked at my side, then ran into his room and came up with the dragon that I bought him for his birthday and said the dragon was on my team.
We fought the battle. Then he set up the course again, re-arranged the sides, and we fought another one. Then a third.
It brought back a memory from my childhood. It was while we were living in Topeka, so I was about the same age as Youngest is now. I had set up my plastic army men. My dad brought out the movie camera and filmed an epic, the Battle of the Dining Room.
Friday, November 23, 2012
More on Small Dog
This morning Middle Son was once again very interested in Jack, the small dog.
I asked if he wanted to pet Jack, and he signed yes. My girlfriend picked Jack up and held him, so that Middle could pet him.
He came over and touched Jack. At first he was very hesitant, just barely making contact with Jack before pulling away. After a few touches he was a little more confident.
It reminded me of the way Middle used to react to dogs when we would walk around the neighborhood before we got his service dog. He was always interested in the dogs, but very hesitant. When the opportunity presented, he would pet a dog that was securely held by its owner. I think because he knew that the dog couldn't make any sudden moves, which scared him.
I asked if he wanted to pet Jack, and he signed yes. My girlfriend picked Jack up and held him, so that Middle could pet him.
He came over and touched Jack. At first he was very hesitant, just barely making contact with Jack before pulling away. After a few touches he was a little more confident.
It reminded me of the way Middle used to react to dogs when we would walk around the neighborhood before we got his service dog. He was always interested in the dogs, but very hesitant. When the opportunity presented, he would pet a dog that was securely held by its owner. I think because he knew that the dog couldn't make any sudden moves, which scared him.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Small Dog
Middle Son has a service dog named Willow. Willow is a Great Pyrenees, so she is a BIG dog. She was 93 pounds at her last visit to the vet.
Today we had our first ever Blended Holiday. My girlfriend came over with her 17 year old daughter to have Thanksgiving dinner with me and my three boys. They brought their dog along. Their dog is a dachshund named Jack. Jack is not a big dog.
Middle Son seemed interested in Jack. He was looking at him and laughing. But when Jack would go running past he would shy away.
During dinner, we put Jack in his crate in the living room. When Middle was finished eating, he went over to the crate. He squatted down in front of it looking at Jack. He put his fingers inside the bars to pet Jack. He jumped and giggled.
Running loose, the small dog was a little too unusual/unpredictable for Middle. Once he was shut into his crate, he was safe to engage with.
Today we had our first ever Blended Holiday. My girlfriend came over with her 17 year old daughter to have Thanksgiving dinner with me and my three boys. They brought their dog along. Their dog is a dachshund named Jack. Jack is not a big dog.
Middle Son seemed interested in Jack. He was looking at him and laughing. But when Jack would go running past he would shy away.
During dinner, we put Jack in his crate in the living room. When Middle was finished eating, he went over to the crate. He squatted down in front of it looking at Jack. He put his fingers inside the bars to pet Jack. He jumped and giggled.
Running loose, the small dog was a little too unusual/unpredictable for Middle. Once he was shut into his crate, he was safe to engage with.
Skating on the Leaves
Last night I took Middle Son and his service dog out for a walk. There was a thick carpet of wet leaves and pine needles on the ground. Middle was fascinated by them. First he tried kicking them, but that didn't really work. They were too wet. Then he start scuffing his feet and sliding along over them. It looked like he was ice-skating on the leaves.
Mornings and School
Yesterday, around 10:00 in morning, I got a call from Middle Son's school. It was an automated call from the attendance office. Middle Son had not arrived at school. Since he was at MomC's that morning, I called her to find out what was going on.
She said that she had just dropped him off at school. Then she started telling about the problems she is having getting him to do things. He doesn't do what she tells him. She can't get him to take a shower. She can't get him dressed. She can't get him out of bed in the morning. She said she doesn't know what to do about it, and it is impacting Oldest Son--some days he ends up being late for school because she can't get Middle Son out of bed, and she can't leave him alone while she takes Oldest to school.
She said that she is also starting to have trouble getting Youngest Son to do things. She thinks it is because he sees that Middle doesn't listen to her, so he thinks he doesn't need to listen to her either. Which seems entirely plausible.
I didn't know what to tell her. I don't have those problems at my house. Middle Son pretty much does what I tell him. As much as a typical child would. Youngest Son does what I tell him. As much as you would expect any 4 year old to.
She said she thinks she needs a psychologist or autism specialist of some sort to come in and work with her on getting Middle to listen and do what she asks. I couldn't think of any better ideas.
I think it is going to be a huge task. She's abdicated the responsibility of making Middle listen to her for many years. It's going to be very hard to get it back.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
More on Sundays
After a couple of email exchanges with Mother-of-my-Children (some of which were heated), I have a better idea of what Oldest Son was talking about regarding staying at my house on Sunday evenings. I had been concerned that there might be something inappropriate with MomC pushing things on Oldest. But now that I have the full story, I'm confident that there is not.
The crucial bit of information was that she suggested it because he told her he wanted to be able to spend more time with me. Oldest told me that she had suggested it, but left out the context that he had been talking to her about spending more time with me. It's fairly common for Oldest to leave out important information when he tells you something.
Last year was the first time he started having to do homework. Previously we'd had his IEPs written in such a way that he was exempted from homework. I would ask if he homework was done, and he'd say yes. Then I'd find out later that his homework wasn't all getting done. I eventually figured out that when he said his homework was done, what that really meant was he was done with all the homework where A) he knew exactly what tasks had been assigned, and B) he understood how to do the work. If he was unclear exactly what the assignment was or he didn't know how to do the math problems, he didn't mention that.
I remember an article I read years ago about adults with Asperger's Syndrome and they trials they run into communicating with other people. It talked about a young man who was having trouble finding a job. His previous job had been cleaning rooms at a ski resort. It was seasonal work--the job ended when ski season was over. When he was interviewing, he told people that he had been "let go" from his previous job. He didn't realize that this sounded like he had been fired. He didn't understand that he needed to provide the context.
Which is exactly what Oldest did. He told the factual truth, but without the crucial contextual details needed for me to understand what was really going on.
The crucial bit of information was that she suggested it because he told her he wanted to be able to spend more time with me. Oldest told me that she had suggested it, but left out the context that he had been talking to her about spending more time with me. It's fairly common for Oldest to leave out important information when he tells you something.
Last year was the first time he started having to do homework. Previously we'd had his IEPs written in such a way that he was exempted from homework. I would ask if he homework was done, and he'd say yes. Then I'd find out later that his homework wasn't all getting done. I eventually figured out that when he said his homework was done, what that really meant was he was done with all the homework where A) he knew exactly what tasks had been assigned, and B) he understood how to do the work. If he was unclear exactly what the assignment was or he didn't know how to do the math problems, he didn't mention that.
I remember an article I read years ago about adults with Asperger's Syndrome and they trials they run into communicating with other people. It talked about a young man who was having trouble finding a job. His previous job had been cleaning rooms at a ski resort. It was seasonal work--the job ended when ski season was over. When he was interviewing, he told people that he had been "let go" from his previous job. He didn't realize that this sounded like he had been fired. He didn't understand that he needed to provide the context.
Which is exactly what Oldest did. He told the factual truth, but without the crucial contextual details needed for me to understand what was really going on.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
More Bus Trouble
Middle Son's bus arrived very early this morning, about 7:45 as opposed to the regular 8:00. Middle wasn't dressed yet. So I went out to tell the bus driver. I said you're really early, and we're not ready yet. He said no problem, we'll wait.
I went back inside, finished getting Middle dressed, got him his back pack and coat, and opened the front door. The bus was gone. I looked at the time, and it was 7:52. So even though the driver was very early, he didn't wait until the normal pickup time.
So I drive Middle to school. I went in and asked his teacher what is going on with transportation. She said that the regular bus driver has been out for a couple of weeks, and that the bus arrived at school very early this morning. I mentioned that the bus was very late to my house on Monday, and one day last week they didn't pick him up from my house at all. She said she would email transportation, and suggested that I give them a call as well.
Sigh. We had tremendous trouble with transportation last year. I was hoping we wouldn't have to repeat it this year.
I went back inside, finished getting Middle dressed, got him his back pack and coat, and opened the front door. The bus was gone. I looked at the time, and it was 7:52. So even though the driver was very early, he didn't wait until the normal pickup time.
So I drive Middle to school. I went in and asked his teacher what is going on with transportation. She said that the regular bus driver has been out for a couple of weeks, and that the bus arrived at school very early this morning. I mentioned that the bus was very late to my house on Monday, and one day last week they didn't pick him up from my house at all. She said she would email transportation, and suggested that I give them a call as well.
Sigh. We had tremendous trouble with transportation last year. I was hoping we wouldn't have to repeat it this year.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sundays
I had an interesting, and slightly distressing, conversation tonight with Oldest Son. He said that he was thinking that he might like to stay at my house on Sunday nights of the week that he is at my house. Currently, all 3 boys go back to MomC's at 7 p.m. on Sundays of my weekend.
I told him that my girlfriend usually spends the night on the Sundays that he goes back to his mom's. I said that I like having her spend the night, and that I wasn't sure if it would be ok for her to spend the night when he is here--that might be really uncomfortable for him. So we'd have to figure that out. I also told him that I would need to talk with MomC. Changing the schedule is something that she and I have to discuss directly--not pass information back and forth through him. He said that he thinks his mom doesn't agree with that; she thinks he should discuss it with me. Not sure exactly what that means. If it means she thinks he should bring up the question of schedule changes with me, that's ok. If it means that she wants to negotiate with me through him, that is definitely not ok.
Then he said that MomC had asked him if he wanted to do it, and that it was MomC's idea. Or maybe it wasn't. I couldn't get a clear read on it. I told him that when I was growing up, sometimes my mom would tell people that I wanted something, when it wasn't really something I wanted, it was something that she wanted. I said that I wasn't clear what he wanted to do, and that I thought it was important to understand what it was he wanted. He said he wasn't sure. I said that if he isn't sure what he wants, then we should wait to change things until he is sure. He agreed.
A little later I went to his room to talk to him. I told him that when I was in 10th grade, I had enough high school credits that I could have graduated in 3 years if we had arranged all my classes just right. At orientation night, my mom had brought this up with the counselor. He looked at me and asked why I wanted to graduate a year early. And when he asked that, I suddenly realized that I had no desire to graduate early. That was what my mom wanted. I stammered and didn't say anything. My mom came in with "I think he sees it as moving on to bigger and better things." I remember later telling that to one of my teachers. She said that if I didn't want to graduate a year early, then the counselors could make sure that didn't happen.
After I finished the story, I asked Oldest if he knew why I was telling him this story.
He said because he's getting old enough to have to figure out what he wants.
I said yes. You have to start figuring out what you want and making decisions. Sometimes people want you to do what is best for them rather than what is best for you. You need to start learning to tell the difference between the two.
I told him that my girlfriend usually spends the night on the Sundays that he goes back to his mom's. I said that I like having her spend the night, and that I wasn't sure if it would be ok for her to spend the night when he is here--that might be really uncomfortable for him. So we'd have to figure that out. I also told him that I would need to talk with MomC. Changing the schedule is something that she and I have to discuss directly--not pass information back and forth through him. He said that he thinks his mom doesn't agree with that; she thinks he should discuss it with me. Not sure exactly what that means. If it means she thinks he should bring up the question of schedule changes with me, that's ok. If it means that she wants to negotiate with me through him, that is definitely not ok.
Then he said that MomC had asked him if he wanted to do it, and that it was MomC's idea. Or maybe it wasn't. I couldn't get a clear read on it. I told him that when I was growing up, sometimes my mom would tell people that I wanted something, when it wasn't really something I wanted, it was something that she wanted. I said that I wasn't clear what he wanted to do, and that I thought it was important to understand what it was he wanted. He said he wasn't sure. I said that if he isn't sure what he wants, then we should wait to change things until he is sure. He agreed.
A little later I went to his room to talk to him. I told him that when I was in 10th grade, I had enough high school credits that I could have graduated in 3 years if we had arranged all my classes just right. At orientation night, my mom had brought this up with the counselor. He looked at me and asked why I wanted to graduate a year early. And when he asked that, I suddenly realized that I had no desire to graduate early. That was what my mom wanted. I stammered and didn't say anything. My mom came in with "I think he sees it as moving on to bigger and better things." I remember later telling that to one of my teachers. She said that if I didn't want to graduate a year early, then the counselors could make sure that didn't happen.
After I finished the story, I asked Oldest if he knew why I was telling him this story.
He said because he's getting old enough to have to figure out what he wants.
I said yes. You have to start figuring out what you want and making decisions. Sometimes people want you to do what is best for them rather than what is best for you. You need to start learning to tell the difference between the two.
Late Bus
Got a message this afternoon from my nanny that Middle Son's bus was late. Over 30 minutes late. I called the school district transportation office and they said he would be home in about 5 minutes.
The nanny and I were discussing it when I got home. She said that there has been a procession of new drivers the past few weeks. She asked one of them if he was the new permanent driver and he said he didn't know.
I'm going to have to call transportation again. I don't want a repeat of last year.
The nanny and I were discussing it when I got home. She said that there has been a procession of new drivers the past few weeks. She asked one of them if he was the new permanent driver and he said he didn't know.
I'm going to have to call transportation again. I don't want a repeat of last year.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Sleep
Last night it took Middle Son a looooooong time to go to sleep. I went to bed around 11:30. I was awakened around 12:30 by Middle's service dog barking. Middle continued to go to bed and get up for another hour. Finally, at 1:45, I gave him another half dose of his sleep meds. He slept from 2:00 to 6:30.
MomC was complaining early this week about him not sleeping. No wonder.
MomC was complaining early this week about him not sleeping. No wonder.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Missing Underwear
When I was getting Middle Son dressed for school this morning (he can do it himself, but it takes longer, he "forgets" to put on underwear, and half the time his clothes are inside out) I couldn't find any underwear for him. So I had to send him to school without any underwear. Which they have complained about in the past.
Disappearing underwear is a recurrent problem with both Middle and Youngest Sons. They leave my house wearing underwear, but they sometimes return from MomC's house without it.
Youngest was at my house last night. When I dropped him off at MomC's, I asked her if she had any underwear for Middle Son. She brought out a stack of clear underwear. She also gave me one of the reports from school, saying that Middle's underwear had been dirty on both sides. Didn't check the date to see if it was from Tuesday or Wednesday. Tuesday morning his underwear was dirty on one side because it was the only pair that I could find in the house.
It's frustrating that underwear goes to MomC's but doesn't always come back.
Disappearing underwear is a recurrent problem with both Middle and Youngest Sons. They leave my house wearing underwear, but they sometimes return from MomC's house without it.
Youngest was at my house last night. When I dropped him off at MomC's, I asked her if she had any underwear for Middle Son. She brought out a stack of clear underwear. She also gave me one of the reports from school, saying that Middle's underwear had been dirty on both sides. Didn't check the date to see if it was from Tuesday or Wednesday. Tuesday morning his underwear was dirty on one side because it was the only pair that I could find in the house.
It's frustrating that underwear goes to MomC's but doesn't always come back.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Continuing Adventures with Clothes
I got a text message from MomC about 7:30 this morning. She said that she was not sure that she would be able to get Middle Son to put his pants on. It wasn't clear what, if anything, she expected me to do. It's not like I can put his pants on him via text message. So I didn't do anything. I went to work. Later in the day I texted and asked if she got him off to school. She said yes, but it took over an hour to get pants on him.
It reminded me of calls I used to get from MomC when she couldn't get Oldest Son out of bed in the morning for school. Only in that instance, I actually was able to get him to wake up and get out of bed over the phone.
It reminded me of calls I used to get from MomC when she couldn't get Oldest Son out of bed in the morning for school. Only in that instance, I actually was able to get him to wake up and get out of bed over the phone.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Playing with the Dog
I heard Middle Son giggling in the living room. I also heard Willow, his service dog, running back and forth. So I went to investigate.
I found that Willow had dropped her kong on the couch next to Middle Son, and was jumping up and down, as if to coax him to throw it. Middle Son looked interested, but didn't seem to grasp Willow's desire. He was watching her and giggling, while still trying to keep his hands away from her.
I picked up the kong and handed it to him. I pointed down the hall and told him to throw it. He did. Willow scrambled after it. Middle Son laughed. With prompting, he threw the toy for her half-dozen or so times. That's the longest I've ever seen him play with her. It was wonderful to see.
I found that Willow had dropped her kong on the couch next to Middle Son, and was jumping up and down, as if to coax him to throw it. Middle Son looked interested, but didn't seem to grasp Willow's desire. He was watching her and giggling, while still trying to keep his hands away from her.
I picked up the kong and handed it to him. I pointed down the hall and told him to throw it. He did. Willow scrambled after it. Middle Son laughed. With prompting, he threw the toy for her half-dozen or so times. That's the longest I've ever seen him play with her. It was wonderful to see.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
New Toys
Youngest Son had a great time this weekend playing with his new toys that he got for his birthday.
He was building cages and caves for the dragon that I got him. At one point he got upset that I had thrown out some packing paper because he needed it. He was using it to make sure the dragon didn't breath fire on him.
He also wore the Go Diego backpack that MomC got him for most of the day. He did take it off before going to be last night.
He was building cages and caves for the dragon that I got him. At one point he got upset that I had thrown out some packing paper because he needed it. He was using it to make sure the dragon didn't breath fire on him.
He also wore the Go Diego backpack that MomC got him for most of the day. He did take it off before going to be last night.
Agitation
Oldest Son seemed a little hyper this weekend. There were a couple of conversations where he kept bobbing his head up and down and back and forth. I'm a little concerned. I sent him out for walks on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It seemed to help, but he still seemed wound very tightly.
Peaceful Place
Last night, around 11:30, Youngest Son woke up. I was sitting at the computer and he came and climbed into my lap. He put his arms around me, snuggled in, and fell asleep.
Is there anything more peaceful than having your child asleep in your arms?
Is there anything more peaceful than having your child asleep in your arms?
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Dog Treats
For the past few days Middle Son has been opening the cupboard where the dog food and other pet supplies are. I wasn't sure why. Then today I caught him eating dog treats. Costco brand sweet potato and chicken treats.
When we first got Willow he used to go after her treats. This is the first time in probably 10 months that I've seen him do it.
When we first got Willow he used to go after her treats. This is the first time in probably 10 months that I've seen him do it.
Oldest Son's high school issued laptops to all students this year. Oldest ran into problems today trying to use it to do his homework. The file permissions have gotten screwed up, and he doesn't have the correct permissions to save to the hard drive. So he can't do his homework (on the laptop).
I proposed several options.
One of the things I suggested was that he email his teachers and let them know he was having problems and might not get his homework done. This was HUGELY upsetting to him. He had a hard time articulating why he was so opposed to this idea. The clearest statement he was able to make about it was that he doesn't like communicating with people who aren't here.
I can only recall one time that I had a similar reaction. I remember my viola professor asking me to mark the dynamics on a piece of music by writing the volume numbers I'd use on my stereo. I REALLY didn't like that idea, for reasons that I still can't quite understand, let alone articulate.
We did eventually come up with a solution. He plugged a flash drive into the computer and was able to save files onto it.
I proposed several options.
One of the things I suggested was that he email his teachers and let them know he was having problems and might not get his homework done. This was HUGELY upsetting to him. He had a hard time articulating why he was so opposed to this idea. The clearest statement he was able to make about it was that he doesn't like communicating with people who aren't here.
I can only recall one time that I had a similar reaction. I remember my viola professor asking me to mark the dynamics on a piece of music by writing the volume numbers I'd use on my stereo. I REALLY didn't like that idea, for reasons that I still can't quite understand, let alone articulate.
We did eventually come up with a solution. He plugged a flash drive into the computer and was able to save files onto it.
Birthday
Youngest Son turned 5 today. The party was at MomC's house. I got him a Fisher-Price dragon. When you squeeze a handle it flaps its wings and roars.
When he opened it, Youngest said to me "Daddy, did you think I would like this?"
I said yes, I did think you would like it.
He shouted back "OF COURSE I LIKE IT!"
MomC got him a Go Diego Go backpack. He immediately put it on, and he hasn't taken it off since except to load/unload it, or to go to the bathroom. I'd give 3:2 odds that he sleeps in it tonight.
When he opened it, Youngest said to me "Daddy, did you think I would like this?"
I said yes, I did think you would like it.
He shouted back "OF COURSE I LIKE IT!"
MomC got him a Go Diego Go backpack. He immediately put it on, and he hasn't taken it off since except to load/unload it, or to go to the bathroom. I'd give 3:2 odds that he sleeps in it tonight.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Home
I noticed something today in the text messages that MomC sent me last weekend when she was bringing Middle Son over to my house.
She wrote
She wrote
"I'm going to leave in a few minutes to bring [Middle Son] home."It seems that she now thinks of my house as Middle Son's home. That is a significant shift. I wonder when it happened.
Is it really a surprise if you ask for it?
Youngest Son turns 5 this weekend. According to MomC, he said he is having "a surprise cowboy party" for his birthday. Which to me, begs the question--is it a surprise if you ask for it?
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Tickling
Middle Son loves to be tickled. Even now, as his 12th birthday approaches, it's one of his favorite forms of play. I know another father who's autistic teenager loved to be tickled. While typically developing children outgrow wanting to be tickled, lower-functioning autistic children apparently do not.
He informs me that he wants to be tickled by leading me into his bedroom, lying down on the bed, and pulling up his shirt to expose his tummy. Then he tries to grab my hands as I move in to tickle him. He also tends to pull his feet up and block with his legs. He's big enough now that I'm uncomfortable with that--if he inadvertently kicks me, he's strong enough to do some damage. So last night, for the first time, I started telling him "feet down". I use "hands down" in various circumstances, and I also say "feet down" when he is rocking his chair too hard at the dinner table. (Actually, the dinner table chair is probably worthy of a post of it's own).
I wasn't sure if he would respond to it, but he did. By the end of the evening he was mostly leaving his feet down when I tickled him.
He informs me that he wants to be tickled by leading me into his bedroom, lying down on the bed, and pulling up his shirt to expose his tummy. Then he tries to grab my hands as I move in to tickle him. He also tends to pull his feet up and block with his legs. He's big enough now that I'm uncomfortable with that--if he inadvertently kicks me, he's strong enough to do some damage. So last night, for the first time, I started telling him "feet down". I use "hands down" in various circumstances, and I also say "feet down" when he is rocking his chair too hard at the dinner table. (Actually, the dinner table chair is probably worthy of a post of it's own).
I wasn't sure if he would respond to it, but he did. By the end of the evening he was mostly leaving his feet down when I tickled him.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Act
I saw I quote today from Michael Grunwald in Time magazine that I really like.
Two summers ago I arranged for Middle Son to spend a week at Easter Seals Camp Stand By Me. Shortly before he left for camp, MomC said she didn't think he'd be able to handle it and we shouldn't send him. And I said I've paid for it, I think he should go, and if there are problems I'll take care of it. We'll never find out what his is capable of if we don't push the envelop occasionally. So he went. By all indications he had a great time. They sent back a CD of pictures and there were lots of pictures of him with a huge smile on his face.
Getting the service dog for him was another example. We'd talked on and off for several years about getting a dog for him, and MomC had said that she'd work on it. And nothing happened. When Middle Son started climbing over the fence at her house and wandering the neighborhood, I decided to exercise my power. Within 8 weeks, I had a contract signed and a dog in training. We've had Willow for a year now, and Middle Son has stopped climbing over MomC's fence, even though Willow doesn't go to her house.
"do what you think is right while you’ve got the power to do it. When you finally get the keys to the government car, drive it."It's something that I struggle with on a regular basis. MomC and I used to skirmish a lot of what we should do about various problems that the boys have. One of the things that I've enjoyed post divorce is realizing that I don't have to get her agreement.
Two summers ago I arranged for Middle Son to spend a week at Easter Seals Camp Stand By Me. Shortly before he left for camp, MomC said she didn't think he'd be able to handle it and we shouldn't send him. And I said I've paid for it, I think he should go, and if there are problems I'll take care of it. We'll never find out what his is capable of if we don't push the envelop occasionally. So he went. By all indications he had a great time. They sent back a CD of pictures and there were lots of pictures of him with a huge smile on his face.
Getting the service dog for him was another example. We'd talked on and off for several years about getting a dog for him, and MomC had said that she'd work on it. And nothing happened. When Middle Son started climbing over the fence at her house and wandering the neighborhood, I decided to exercise my power. Within 8 weeks, I had a contract signed and a dog in training. We've had Willow for a year now, and Middle Son has stopped climbing over MomC's fence, even though Willow doesn't go to her house.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
More on Sick Kids
The Mother-of-my-Children (a.k.a. the ex-wife, hereafter referred to as MomC) wanted me to take Middle Son tonight, because Youngest Son's birthday party is this weekend, and she's "got a lot of work to do to get the house ready for the party." Apparently it will be too hard if Middle Son is at her house sick. She also asked "what are we going to do if he's sick tomorrow?" She wants me to take him. The fact that I have to work at the job that supports the entire family (she still doesn't have a job) apparently didn't occur to her.
Sometimes I wonder what she thinks her responsibilities to Middle Son (and Oldest Son) are. It often appears to me that she doesn't really think it's her job to deal with their problems--that's my job. I don't get that sense with regards to Youngest. The problems of Youngest are pretty minor compared to the challenges that arise with Oldest, and especially compared to Middle Son. I don't know if that's all it is, or if there is more to it somehow.
Sometimes I wonder what she thinks her responsibilities to Middle Son (and Oldest Son) are. It often appears to me that she doesn't really think it's her job to deal with their problems--that's my job. I don't get that sense with regards to Youngest. The problems of Youngest are pretty minor compared to the challenges that arise with Oldest, and especially compared to Middle Son. I don't know if that's all it is, or if there is more to it somehow.
Sick Kid
My ex is worried that Middle Son is sick and won't be able to go to school tomorrow. It's always hard to figure out what to do if he is sick. Or for that matter, how to tell if he is sick.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Homework
Oldest Son struggles with homework, especially with the mechanics of homework. He has trouble keeping track of what the assignments are, when they are due, remembering to turn them in, etc.
He also tends to get frustrated pretty quickly. He often ends up too agitated to keep going. Last week when he was at my house, he seemed to be doing better. This afternoon I got a text from my ex. She said Oldest has back science homework he needs to catch up on this weekend. She said she's not sure she can keep him on track and asked if he could come to my house to do his homework.
I said yes, bring him over on Sunday evening. I'm not happy about loosing part of my free weekend because she can't get him to do his homework, but I want him to get the work done. He needs to pass his science class.
He also tends to get frustrated pretty quickly. He often ends up too agitated to keep going. Last week when he was at my house, he seemed to be doing better. This afternoon I got a text from my ex. She said Oldest has back science homework he needs to catch up on this weekend. She said she's not sure she can keep him on track and asked if he could come to my house to do his homework.
I said yes, bring him over on Sunday evening. I'm not happy about loosing part of my free weekend because she can't get him to do his homework, but I want him to get the work done. He needs to pass his science class.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Waiting for Dinner
Tonight Middle Son was at my house and Oldest and Youngest were with their mother. I got home a little late (we're at the Let's All Go Crazy Now stage of software development at work). My nanny doesn't feed the kids until I get home. She said Middle was clearly hungry, so she had put some food on his plate and told him he could eat.
And he didn't eat. Even with the food sitting there in front of him, he still waited for me to get home before he started to eat. Habits set deeply for him.
And he didn't eat. Even with the food sitting there in front of him, he still waited for me to get home before he started to eat. Habits set deeply for him.
Watching
A friend of mine is currently going through the developmental evaluation process with his 2 year old. He's concerned that his son has autism. I was watching the expressions play across his face as he was telling me about it. Brought back a lot of scary memories for me. I hope that I will be able to offer him some help and reassurance as he goes through this process.
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