tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59975301341399791692024-03-13T23:35:56.879-07:00Thoughts from the AsylumRandom musings of a parent of two children with autism and one without.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.comBlogger327125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-26301639304046906202023-02-11T20:25:00.001-08:002023-02-11T20:25:32.934-08:00Almost Done<p>Last week my girlfriend (henceforth referred to as MGF) and I went to Middle Son's school and met with his teacher and para for a bit over an hour. We set the meeting up because next week will be Middle's last ever week of school. He aged out last year, then we got pandemic recovery time for him which got him another semester this year. And that semester ends on February 2nd.</p><div><br /></div><div>I felt very distressed during and after the meeting. I choked up a multiple times. For most kids the end of high school is a chance to move on to bigger and better things, more autonomy over their lives, acquiring new skills in the workplace or in higher education. Their world expands.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think, I fear, that Middle's world is going to contract. For nineteen years he's gone to school. A place where he was cared for. A place where he had the opportunity to interact with other people, a place where he got to experience more of the world than my house and his mom's. And next week, that will be gone.</div><div><br /></div><div>We've been preparing for this. MGF has plans to take him to the Senior Center for lunch on a regular basis. They both like movies, so we've bought them movie passes so they can go see every movie that looks interesting. His mom has been looking into classes at the Alyssa Burnett Center, which has programs for adults with autism. But it's going to be tough to replace the 25+ hours a week he goes to school.</div><div><br /></div><div>I worry about how taking care of him is going to impact us. MGF says that she feels called to do the work of caring for him. She will be taking on the lion's share the additional caregiving duty. I worry about how it will effect her. I worry about how it will effect our relationship. She suffers from chronic fatigue and sometimes struggles to keep up with the smaller caregiving role that she is already doing. I won't be able to shoulder much of the additional load. The time that he used to go to school is during the hours that I have to work. If I can't work all the balls I have in the air will come crashing down around me, so I have to do that.</div><div><br /></div><div>We talked with them about some areas where they have seen Middle regressing in the past couple of months. They think it started around the time that he had a bad seizure at school. They said that he doesn't understand things that he used to understand and he gets confused and agitated more often. I'm wondering if that seizure was bad enough to have caused some brain damage. That's a hard thought. Especially since I had missed some of his meds the day before he had that seizure. It's hard enough thinking that he may have had a permanent loss of ability, but when I wonder if I could have prevented it by giving him his meds, that's really hard.</div><div><br /></div><div>I teared up. When his teacher asked me what the emotion was about, I said that I was projecting forward. She said that she thinks Middle has strengths that would enable him to be successful in a group home. He's generally happy. When he understands what is being asked of him he is generally compliant.</div><div><br /></div><div>That reminded me of a conversation I had with my therapist last week. I've talked with her about my long-term concerns for Middle. At some point MGF and I won't be able to take care of him and when I've tried to get in touch with groups homes to talk about a placement for Middle, not only do they not return my calls, they don't even answer their phones. My therapist told me she had spoken with a couple of colleagues who were very knowledgeable about the adult autism space. She said the first question that both of them asked was if I was willing to relocate. Apparently Washington State now ranks 47th out of the 50 states in per-capita funding for services related to developmental disabilities. The last time I heard the number if was 45th, but that was over a decade ago. Sad to see that we've fallen even further behind.</div><div><br /></div><div>As we were getting ready to leave his teacher said again how happy she was that we were thinking about a routine for Middle and how to make the transition from school to not-school easier for him. She said most parents don't do that. I choked up again and said that makes me so sad to hear.</div><div><br /></div><div>There are times when I feel like I'm letting Middle down with decisions that I made, like when I agreed with his mom to move him out of the Riverview School District (where I live) into the Lake Washington School District (where she lives). LWSD's transition program was very focused on work. Getting kids ready for jobs and finding internships and jobs in the community that they could do. When the pandemic hit they couldn't do any of their normal activities because no one was taking on interns. Even when school started back up, no one was accepting their kids as interns. I moved him back to Riverview. RSD's program was focused on building basic life skills, things like being able to get his own snacks, comb his hair, and run the vacuum cleaner. I never saw results of what he was learning in Lake Washington. It's been clear to me what he's learned in Riverview. I wish now that I had not moved him out of Riverview.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then I think about all the times when people have been so excited and impressed at my awareness of and participation in Middle's life. Like the nurse who was so impressed that I knew not only what meds he takes, but the times and the dosages, as well as how to call the on-call resident if we needed after hours help. Or how excited the sign language teacher was that I came to the school on Tuesday mornings when she was there so that I could learn along with Middle. How grateful his teacher in 3rd grade was when I came in with a lunch of peanut butter and fresh fruit rather than the processed food that his mother was sending. A special ed teacher I dated for a while who told me that most parents of her students barely engaged with the school at all. My friend from the Father's Network who told our support group "I noticed that Pete actually talks to his kids. I decided I'd try that, and it worked great!" How my church choir director makes she that she has an ice cream bar for Middle at every rehearsal.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I think about those things, I'm astounded. When Middle was diagnosed, I would not have thought I was capable of doing all the things that I've done for him. I've taught Middle how to see and been seen by other people. How to listen and hear what people say. How to engage with the people in his life. I remember going to a lecture or maybe reading something about parents of kids with disabilities. It said that some parents shy away from the disability. Others embrace it and grow. I grew.</div>AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-64484968149978931792023-02-11T20:25:00.000-08:002023-02-11T20:25:07.898-08:00Youngest and SchoolThe Mother of My Children (MomC) and I met with Youngest Son and his teachers on Tuesday of last week to talk about how he is doing in school. He goes to a choice school where students are in-person two days a week and expected to do the rest of the work from home, it's a very small program. His math/science teacher said Youngest is doing well and passing algebra and chemistry with no major issues.<div><br /></div><div>His humanities teacher was less positive. Youngest missed a quite a few of days of school this semester to illness. She said that given how much time he missed, she is comfortable giving him a "Pass" grade in English and History, meaning he did ok under the circumstances. The she said if we don't see improvements, she won't be able to give him a Pass next quarter. He doesn't turn in a much homework, and what he does turn in isn't up to standards. He will right one bullet point where there should be four, or a single sentence where there should be a paragraph.</div><div><br /></div><div>We talked briefly about his current work. He complained that book they are reading for English is boring. She replied that she would love to get an essay about why he doesn't like the book. We talked about what his current assignments and what needs to be turned in soon. There was a significant history assignment, and he would be writing an essay on the book he doesn't like. </div><div><br /></div><div>While talking with My Girlfriend (MGF) about the day, I came to the conclusion that the only way Youngest is likely to pull it together for school is if I take action. MomC complains to me on a regular basis about how hard it is do get him to do anything at her house. He doesn't want to do homework, he won't get out of bed for school, he doesn't help around the house, he spends all his time sitting in front of his computer. The only non-computer activity he seems really interested in is playing with his dog. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have a really hard time with this. He does what I ask him to. I can get him out of bed over the phone. At my house he will start the dishwasher after dinner without being asked. I have difficulty making sense out of how he does things easily for me that he won't do at all for her.</div><div><br /></div><div>That night I called Youngest and asked him what homework he was going to do tomorrow. He said he could work finishing the novel they were reading. He couldn't start on the essay yet because the teacher was going to give him the writing prompt for that on Friday. I asked what time I should call and see how he was doing and he said 2:00. He hadn't read much at 2:00 but said he could finish it today. So we agreed that I would call him between 7 and 8 to see how he was doing. When I talked to him at 7:15, he said he was done. I said great. What are you working on tomorrow and when should I call. He said History, call at 2.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I called him the next day he hadn't started yet at 2. I asked what time I should call to check on his progress. I ended up calling him four times that day. He only managed to get a small amount of homework done. I started thinking that the only way he's going to get homework done is if I'm keeping him on track. I told his mom that I was thinking of coming over to her house in the evenings to sit with him and make sure he does his homework, and asked her what she thought of that idea. She said she was ok with it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then I had a very interesting conversation with MGF about it. I told her that I was thinking of doing this. She said that if Youngest's real motivation (or part of his real motivation) was to get my attention, then I'd be giving him exactly what he wants without him having to do anything different. She also pointed out that this would give MomC a pass. I wouldn't be asking her to do anything, and as primary custodial parent she was the one who ought to be handling this, not me. All the inconvenience would be on me and MGF. Thinking about that, I remembered the experience of trying to get him to do homework during the early days of the pandemic. I'd often spend a hour with him and to get one math problem done. </div><div><br /></div><div>I didn't want to do that again, so I proposed that Youngest come over to my house on Sunday. He and I both like role-playing games, and I had a new one I wanted to try out. We could spend some time on that, and some time on homework. So we did that. We spent some time with the game, then we alternated between game and homework. He helped me make dinner without objection or complaint. By the time I took him home he'd spent about 1 1/2 hours on homework and had finished his big history assignment.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was talking with my therapist the next day about all this. I told her that I don't understand why MomC can't get him to do things. She said she doesn't do a lot of parent coaching because, like me, she has a hard time understanding how parents are unable to get their kids to do things. She said that being unable to motivate your kids is a widespread problem, and in her observation, most of the parents who can't get their kids to do things don't have a strong connection to their children. </div><div><br /></div><div>She said that I obviously have a very strong connection with Middle, and with his brothers too because I am able to get them to do things. She asked if I thought MomC had a real connection to Youngest. I pondered that for a bit. In the first couple of years post-divorce, I used to hang out with one of MomC's close friends. She had a son who was very similar to Oldest and they got along well. I remember her telling me that she saw lots of stuff about Youngest on Facebook, but very little about Middle and Oldest Sons.</div><div><br /></div><div>As an upper-middle class stay at home mom, MomC had two paths to "success." One was her big beautiful house, and the other was her high-achieving children. The costs of autism therapy for Middle and Oldest meant that we didn't have a big beautiful house. Oldest was clearly bright in some areas, but was not on track to be a high achiever. I remember thinking that MomC probably saw Youngest as her best chance for success. I had assumed that she had an effective connection with him, but looking at the evidence, I didn't really see one. That was a hard moment. I had accepted long ago that her connection to Middle was never going to be as strong as mine, but I hadn't really thought about her connection, or lack thereof, with Oldest and Youngest. It saddens me to think that they don't have a good connection to her either.</div>AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-91396233669298125352022-05-11T14:50:00.002-07:002022-05-11T14:50:39.029-07:00Youngest and School<p> We switched Youngest Son to a different school when the new semester started.</p><p>It has been a positive switch. The new school has in person classes two days a week, and then home work for the rest of the week. Youngest has been going to school. Sometimes someone has to come out to the parking lot to get him. Sometimes he makes it into the school but not all the way into the classroom. But he is going to school. Even better, he is now passing all his classes with at least a C!</p><p>I had some hesitations around this school. Especially given his attendance issues. MomC has done a good job of lining up tutors for him, tracking that he gets his work done, etc. It's a huge relief.</p><p>One really interesting thing I noticed in the last meeting was that all the school staff were asking if Youngest if they were supporting him well enough. Youngest looked a little unsure about that question. I chimed in and asked him if they were making it easier for him to go to school. He said yes, they are. That was good to hear.</p><p><br /></p>AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-40498532908218311192021-12-09T15:41:00.004-08:002022-05-11T14:51:20.774-07:00School Meeting<p>MomC and I had a meeting today with Youngest Son's school about his lack of attendance. I unfortunately was not able to make the call. I had a Dr's appointment that was supposed to start at 9:30 but didn't actually start until 9:55, and the call was at 10.</p><p>Apparently we are getting close to the point where Youngest is consider truant, which means the school will have to start filing paperwork with the court. We really don't want to get entangled with the courts. If Youngest doesn't start coming to school by early January they have to file the papers. They said that just getting him into the building would count. If he comes and sits in the counselor's office and reads or does homework that would be fine.</p><p>Youngest has said to his mom and his therapist that he has a hard time coping with all the people. Which seems like it could be true. Both his brothers have autism and have sensory issues, so he might too, and he has ADHD. They talked about a specific program, I can't remember the name of it now, that has smaller classes. He may or may not be able to get into it.</p><p>I talked a little more with MomC about writing up a contract with Youngest, that he will have 2-3 months to improve to the point where he is going to school every day and passing his classes. Otherwise he will have to come and live with me.</p><p>I hope it doesn't come to that.</p>AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-45461725697933026092021-12-08T09:31:00.000-08:002021-12-08T09:31:15.872-08:00Schools Again<p> I had two noteworthy conversations about school yesterday. One was with Oldest Son. He has decided to sign up for a coding boot camp. If he makes it through, he would likely be able to find a job where he could afford to move out of MomC's house. That would good, and probably make everyone happier.</p><p>The second conversation was less positive. Youngest hasn't been going to school. MomC says "I just can't get him to get out of bed and go to school." Which blows my mind. I have a really hard time comprehending how she can't get him to do this. As a general statement, he does what I tell him to do without fighting about it.</p><p>She called me to talk about it and see if I had ideas. She also wanted to talk about what we're going to say when we meet with his school counselor later this week. He's racked up a huge number of absences and tardies now and the school wants to talk about it.</p><p>I told her I didn't have any magic tricks. I tell him to get up and he gets up. Sometimes I tickle him a little. She said she'd tried that, but it doesn't work. Then I brought up the idea of him coming to live with me. She's not reacted well to that suggestion in the past. </p><p>This time was different. She said that then he'd have to change schools. Which is true. We live in different school districts. She said she wasn't sure about the middle school in my district. My school district doesn't have as much money as hers does, and she's kind of a snob about it. My response was that a school he actually goes to will be better than a school he doesn't go to. She said she wasn't sure about that, which boggled my mind.</p><p>Then she said something really interesting. "Then I could sell my house." She is currently unemployed but has a huge amount of equity built up in her house. She could live for years off the profit from the house and take a low stress, low pay job.</p><p>Which would mean youngest would be coming to life with me indefinitely. I have mixed feelings about it. I think he'd be better off living with me. I'm less sure that I'd be better off with him living with me. Taking care of Middle Son, I skate pretty close to the edge of what I can cope with. I have a complicated emotional response to that. Part of me feels guilty/insecure/insufficient. Then I remember what Middle's Dr. said to me the last time I took him in--"if it seems hard, that's because it is hard."</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-30800600141239181832021-11-04T16:43:00.001-07:002021-11-04T16:43:25.410-07:00New SchoolI'm back again, and planning to make it a more regular occurrence. <div><br /></div><div>This week I moved Middle Son back to the school district that I live in. After Second Wife and I got divorced, I let MomC (Mother of my Children) talk me into moving him into the school district where she lived. Her district has more money and resources. She, like most people, assumed that that meant it would be a better program for Middle. I was skeptical. Second Wife had blown my mind by pointing out that Middle's ability to consume educational resources is limited, and Middle's ABA therapist had said she thought Middle should go to school in the community where he was going to live after he got out of school, which is with me. But having just gone through a divorce, I didn't have the energy to argue with her about it, and the logic that a district with more money is a "better" district had it's impact on me too.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yesterday, the first morning, I walked Middle onto the bus. The driver told him to sit in seat 7. I told her that Middle doesn't know his numbers and helped him find the correct seat. He had a little trouble with the seatbelt, so I helped him with that as well.</div><div><br /></div><div>When he got back the first thing he did, even before taking off his coat, was sit down at the dinner table. I opened his backpack and found that he hadn't eaten any of his lunch, so I got him food. He ate a lot.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today I stood on the porch while he got on the bus. After school he still went to the table, but he didn't seem as hungry. When I checked his lunch he had eaten most of it.</div><div><br /></div><div>One of the interesting things they do is weekly shopping trips. They cook breakfast and lunch in the classroom every day, and each kid is responsible for coming up with their menu plan, food budget, and shopping list. They go shopping on the first Monday of the month. I think this is a pretty cool thing, and am eager to see how Middle does with it. Given his very limited communication, they asked me to send them a list of foods for breakfast, lunch, and snack. It will be interesting to hear about they make a list with Middle and how the first shopping trip goes. I told them that Middle expects to get a donut every time he goes to the store, so they are going to plan for that.</div>AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-5082716495306577792020-02-14T14:30:00.001-08:002020-02-14T14:40:04.981-08:00Go with MomToday MomC and I took Middle Son to an appointment at the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation. His School-to-Work transition program is partially funding by DVR and they needed us to come in and take care of some paperwork.<br />
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I had brought in the paperwork that we got in advance. The case walker thanked me more than once for being so thorough when I filled it out. It brought that feeling I get when Dr.'s are impressed that I know the names, dosages, and timings of all the medications that Middle takes. It seems like that should be normal, not impressive.<br />
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MomC brought him to the appointment. Was at her house last night and today because they are on mid-winter break (she's at teacher). When we left, Middle started walking to my car. His mom told him to come with her and he kept going towards my car. I had to tell him three times and then finally give him a little push to get him to go with her.<br />
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I always feel bad for both of them when that happens. But especially for her. When Youngest Son wants to stay at MomC's house instead of coming to mine, there is an obvious explanation. He wants to go hang out with his friends, or stay home and play with his dog. He absolutely loves dogs, has since he was a toddler.<br />
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But Middle doesn't want to do that. He mostly stays in his room and watches TV at my house and at hers. The explanation that comes to mind, is that he likes being with me better than her. Now that I think about it though, there is another possible explanation. He doesn't want to be with his younger brother, who is usually at his mom's house.<br />
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I'm glad I thought of that. It makes me feel a little better.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-67054925781653116712020-02-03T17:34:00.001-08:002020-02-03T17:34:48.382-08:00A Break in the RainWe've had rain here in the Seattle area. <b>LOTS</b> of rain. So much rain that two rivers had stage 4 flood warnings. As it happens, those to rivers merge less than a mile from my house. I was nervous about it over the weekend. I packed up a bug-out bag in case we had to leave in a hurry.<br />
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Yesterday, we had some glorious sun. Middle Son was frantic to get outside. One of his favorite things to do in the whole world is shred grass. When it is pouring rain, he's not very interested in going outside. He doesn't like to wear a hood or a hat, and he doesn't like getting his head wet. When the sun came out, he wanted to be out there shredding. Sunday morning when I got up, he was sitting at the table with his shoes and coat on. On the way home from church (it's only three blocks away, so we walk) he grabbed a handful of grass when we got close to our house and shredded it on the porch.<br />
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After lunch, he came to me again with his coat and shoes on. I let him out in the back yard. He stayed there, merrily shredding away, until I brought him in as it was getting dark. His hands were filthy--he was pulling up mud with every clump of grass that he grabbed.<br />
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It was nice to see he doing something that he gets so much satisfaction from, even if it is weird to my eyes.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-75963515614891231992020-02-03T17:22:00.002-08:002020-02-03T17:22:59.996-08:00Feeling SocialLast week Middle Son was unusually social with me. He came and sat down next to me on the couch several times, which he rarely does. He also appeared to be interested in the game that I was playing on my laptop. He pointed at the screen and tried to touch things more than once. I tried to help him touch the right controls for the game, but he wasn't <i>that</i> social.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-28884304897377968402020-01-26T10:18:00.000-08:002020-01-26T10:18:17.279-08:00Dungeons and DragonsAbout a year ago Youngest Son started getting interested in D&D. MomC called me one day and told me that "Youngest is <i>dying</i> to play D&D with you." It turned out that his best friend was setting up a game, and Youngest wanted to use my Player's Handbook. When he got to my house he said he was going to watch a YouTube video on how to make a character.<br />
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He seemed very impressed when I told him that I knew how to make characters and I could help him. We spent most of the day making characters. It reminded me of when Oldest discovered role playing games.<br />
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He didn't have friends to play with (being on the spectrum, he had a hard time making friends), so we played. The first game we played was the Star Wars RPG. His character was an Ewok. Our very first game, he was crawling around in the air ducts of an Imperial base. I had him fall out of the ducts into the dining hall and land in a big bowl of mashed potatoes. It made a big mess and started a food fight.<br />
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Good times.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-59655615983036058652020-01-24T11:26:00.004-08:002021-11-04T17:30:24.906-07:00Dodged a BulletWife 2 and I got divorced about 18 months ago. I got something in the mail last week that, once again, confirmed my decision.<div>
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Wife 2's younger daughter has type 1 diabetes. During the time we together, Younger was a regular visitor to the ER. She was hospitalized multiple times. I have been fortunate enough to have excellent medical insurance last dozen years. I did go through some times of crappy insurance in the early '00s. So her episodes were not a major financial burden.</div>
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Younger got some mail at my house last week. It turned out to be a collection notice. She owes Overlake Hospital about $1600. I assume it was an ER visit.</div>
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If Wife 2 and I were still together, we would almost certainly be helping out with that bill.</div>
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Since we are not, I dodged that bullet.</div>
AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-8841959306103681232020-01-23T14:06:00.000-08:002020-01-23T14:06:37.893-08:00Apples and OrangesLast night, Middle Son was hungry when we got home. Dinner wasn't going to be ready for a while. I gave him an apple and encouraged him to eat it multiple. He just sat there with it. Eventually I cut it up into quarters. He snarfed it up. He was still hungry, so I gave him an orange. That he ate whole, the way most people would eat an apple.<br />
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Many are the Mysteries of Middle.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-11911534620776006562020-01-22T13:39:00.001-08:002020-01-22T13:39:50.262-08:00Going to SchoolYoungest Son "missed the bus" yesterday. We thought he was at school. Then the school's automated attendance system called to report him absent. As a teacher, MomC can't just leave to go deal with problems. I can. So I'm the lucky one who gets to go get Youngest and take him to school.<br />
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It's become a significant problem this year. Most weeks I've had to get him and take him to school at least once, often twice. And he isn't doing homework.<br />
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Some days MomC can't get him to get out of bed. I've never had him refuse to get out of bed. It reminds me of when Oldest Son was in Middle School. MomC would call because she couldn't get him out of bed. She said she even tried pouring ice water on him. I could get him out of bed over the phone--I didn't even need to be at her house.<br />
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MomC is ok with having him spend nights at my house as a consequence--if Youngest doesn't get up on Monday, then he has to spend the night at my house on Thursday. Monday's and Friday's are the most likely days for him to try and stay home. If he's at my house, he doesn't give me as much trouble as he gives his mom. MomC doesn't want him to change his residence to living with me--I've brought it up occasionally, and a few months ago she asked me to stop bringing it up. It made her feel like I thought she was incompetent and I was a super-parent who could fix her mess. Which is not exactly wrong. It is a significant exaggeration.<br />
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I'm not crazy about staying at Dad's house being a consequence for misbehavior. I think (I hope) his big objection to coming to my house is that he doesn't get to be with his beloved dog Soldier. I'm not interested in having Soldier at my house. He's not been trained well and is wild.<br />
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I think that overall Youngest would be better off living with me. MomC would fight that tooth and nail. Frankly, I don't think it would be good for <i>me </i>to have Youngest living with me right now. I'm better than I was six months ago, but still somewhat fragile/frail in terms of my ability to cope with life. <br />
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When you are struggling to stay afloat, you shouldn't pick up another rock.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-82776874552111906242020-01-21T14:10:00.002-08:002021-11-04T17:31:57.655-07:00Back AgainIt's been several years since I posted anything. Not for lack of things to post. My Beloved Wife and I got divorced about a year and a half ago. Back in May, at the strong urging of my manager, I went out on disability leave for depression. I was out for six months. I've been back now for two months.<br />
<br />
One of the things that I realized while I was out was that I can't keep caring for Middle Son at this level of intensity. Since My Beloved Wife became ex-wife number two (hereafter referred to as Wife 2) I've been taking care of Middle all by myself. No paid or unpaid caregivers. Just me. Mostly it's manageable, but sometimes it manifestly IS NOT manageable.<br />
<br />
I've do a little bit of investigation to find an external placement for him. No luck so far. Everyplace (except one) required that residents be able to do things like call 911 or manage their own medications, which Middle can't do. The one that doesn't have requirements that he can't meet is in Vancouver, Washington. Vancouver is about four hours away. And it doesn't take Medicaid. So that one is out too. I don't want Middle so far away that I can't visit on weekdays. And I can't afford to pay out of pocket.<br />
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Oldest Son is doing well. He's working at a grocery store and seems to be happy with the work. He was employee of the month in November and was very proud about that. He started an architecture and design program at the local technical college this fall and is in his second quarter. It seems to be going ok. MomC says he really wants to move out of her house, and asked if I'd be able to help. I can help some, but I'm not doing it unless he asks me directly. He will need a roommate. I'm not going to subsidize him enough to have his own apartment.<br />
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Youngest Son started Middle School this year. He is having a hard time. He doesn't want to go to school, especially on Monday and Friday, which are the days that they run in PE. He says school makes him really sad. This weekend he told me that he feels sad more often than not. :-( He started seeing a therapist last week. We've met with the school counselor. MomC asked what she thought might be going on. We were thinking that maybe he is being bullied in PE. The counselor said there are so many possible causes that it wasn't worth speculating. She talked to the PE teachers and they were not able to identify any specific problem.<br />
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Middle has moved to the "Transition Academy" at school now that he has finished his senior year of high school. The program that he's in is focused on figuring out what kind of work he is capable of and might enjoy doing, then finding him a paying job. The program that he is in is all kids on the lower end functionally/developmentally. It is expected that they will always need to have a job coach around to keep an eye on them. The staff says he is doing well and it probably won't be difficult to find him a job. One of the places that they go is a place that does horse riding therapy, and he seems to enjoy sweeping up there. It doesn't surprise me. He rakes leaves with great vigor and joy. Although it's difficult to keep him pointed in the right direction. He did a great job of spreading out mulch the last time I put mulch down.<br />
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More posts to follow.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-6631775104525269182016-11-19T23:56:00.001-08:002016-11-19T23:56:29.524-08:00Bedtime RoutineMiddle Son's bedtime routine starts at 8:30. I give him his night time medicine. We brush his teeth and shave his face. Then it's time for his shower. I scrub him with a loofa, then I give it to him and let him scrub and enjoy the warm water for a while. After a little time, I rinse him off and he gets out. I dry his back for him.<br />
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Middle has always been prompt dependent. He has to be told to close the shower curtain. He has to be told to hang up his towel. He has to be told to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in his laundry basket.<br />
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A month or so ago, I started fading out of the room after drying his back. I wanted to see if he what he would do if I didn't give him any instructions. I would walk out and partially close the door. Every few minutes I'd peak in to see what he was doing. I discovered that if I waited long enough, 10-12 minutes, he finish drying himself. He would close the shower curtain. He would pick up his dirty clothes and put them in his laundry basket.<br />
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Now most nights he will do everything without prompting. Sometimes he will forget one of his tasks. Most commonly, he doesn't get all of his dirty clothes out of the bathroom and I have to tell him to go back in and get a dirty sock.<br />
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It feels very slow. I have to remind myself to give him time. As he does so often, Middle reminds me that patience is a great virtue.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-7685299247786237172016-11-18T12:16:00.001-08:002016-11-18T12:16:31.179-08:00ThumbnailsMiddle Son has never liked having his fingernails clipped. As he has gotten bigger and stronger (he's now 5'8", 175 lbs, and very strong) its gotten harder and harder. About a year ago, I gave up on using a nail clipper on his thumbs and pointer fingers. He struggled to much. I was worried that I would end up getting a finger broken. I switched to using file. I continued to use clippers on the other fingers. For some reason Middle doesn't object as strongly to that.<br />
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Also about a year ago, we started doing ABA therapy again with him. Unlike virtually every other employer, Microsoft's benefits package includes specific coverage for ABA. On of the things that I told them I wanted to work on was using fingernail clippers.<br />
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Wednesday night, Middle allowed me to use the clippers on his thumbnails and one pointer finger. I was very excited to see the progress.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-53350793276857198112016-11-15T23:38:00.000-08:002020-01-19T11:32:53.708-08:00SchoolYesterday, just as I was arriving at work, I got a call from the Mother of my Children.<br />
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Oldest Son is living at her house full time since he graduated from high school. MomC is now working as a substitute teacher, so she has to be out of the house early in the morning. We're paying Oldest to get Youngest Son to school in the morning.<br />
<br />
She told me that Oldest had called. Youngest had said he was sick and didn't want to go to school and they were arguing. She said that Oldest was yelling and Youngest was crying and saying Oldest had hurt him, and she wasn't sure everyone was safe. She wanted me to go see what was happening. I said I would go check.<br />
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When I got there I asked them what was going on. They both started talking. I stopped them and told Youngest to tell me first. He said he was sick and couldn't go to school. He said Oldest had picked him up out of bed. He said Oldest had grabbed him by the arms. His arms and back hurt.<br />
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I had him show me his arms. There were no bruises. There were no red marks. I told him he was ok. He said it really hurt. I said it was like getting hit by a soccer ball, or falling off his skateboard. It hurt now, but it would be fine.<br />
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I had Oldest tell me his side of the story. He said Youngest wouldn't do what he was told, and he got mad at him.<br />
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I turned back to Youngest. I told him that he was not going to be the one to decide if he was too sick to go to school. Neither was Oldest. If he was sick he need to call me or MomC and talk to us. We would decide if he could stay home or go to school. And if we told him to go to school, he would go to school without arguing. If we told he to go to school and he didn't, I'd come over again, and that wouldn't be good. I asked him to tell me what the rule was, and he repeated it back to me--if he felt sick he had to call me or his mom. We would decide. I asked if he would follow this rule, and he said yes.<br />
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Then I turned to Oldest and went through the same thing. I also told him that he would not pick up Youngest or grab him. I said I knew he wouldn't intentionally hurt he brother, but that he is big and strong, and when he is irritated or angry he forgets how strong he is and could accidentally hurt someone. I asked him if he would follow this rule, and he said yes.<br />
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It was now 5 minutes after school starts, so I sent Youngest off.<br />
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I stayed a few minutes and talked to Oldest. He said the problem is that Youngest won't do what Oldest tells him to do. I asked him if he does what MomC tells him. He said yes, eventually, but MomC isn't really in charge of him, she's only in charge of the house. I said he lives in her house, and she pays all his bills (except the ones I pay), so she is in charge. Then I said that she's told me she asked him to help around the house and he doesn't.<br />
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I asked if him if, when he was in Boy Scouts, there had been older Scouts who he wanted to be like. He said there were. I told him that little brothers are like that--they want to be like their big brothers. If his brother sees that Oldest doesn't do what he's told by his mom, then he will think he doesn't need to do what he's told by Oldest. He said he'd never thought of that.<br />
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Then it got really interesting. He asked me if I thought MomC was easier on Youngest than she'd been on the other two. I started to say yes, then thought better of it. I said it could be that she is. But I don't see MomC and Youngest together very often, so I'm not the right person to answer that question. His aunt or his cousin would be better. He said that she (his aunt) agrees with him on that.<br />
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We talked about the fact that Middle Son usually does what I tell him to do. He often ignores what MomC tells him. I've always been careful about what I tell Middle to do. If he doesn't do something I tell him to do, I will take him by the hand and lead him through doing it. Over the years, he's realized that when I tell him to do something, we are going to do it whether he likes it or not. MomC never established that with him, so Middle feels free to ignore her.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-78923360349517525502016-09-30T13:17:00.000-07:002016-09-30T13:17:03.922-07:00Welcome to Dad's House<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
A few weeks ago, I
was driving home with Youngest Son and Middle son. We were listening to the radio and the song
Welcome to My House came on the phone.
Youngest got excited and asked me to turn it up.</div>
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We were almost home. I suggested that we drive around a little longer and listen to
the whole song. Youngest agreed. We were singing and
waving our arms around. Middle was swaying
back and forth to the music. </div>
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I suggested that we buy the song and play it on the way to my house every
time. Youngest thought that was a great
idea.</div>
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I remembered something I did when MomC and I first divorced. When I parked in my garage with Youngest (who
was about 2 at the time), I would say "what do we say when we get to Daddy's house?"</div>
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<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
Then I'd throw my
hands up in the air and say "Yeah, Daddy's house!" And Youngest would do it along with me. It was adorable. I remember MomC telling me one day that
Youngest was doing it when she brought him to my house as well.</div>
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Having a special ritual when the boys got to my house made me happy then. And it makes me happy now.</div>
AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-81178176691865069722016-01-29T16:59:00.002-08:002016-01-29T16:59:37.359-08:00ABAOne of the great things for our family about my job at Microsoft is the benefits package. The health insurance is a high deductible plan, but once you meet the deductible <i>everything</i> is covered. This year we met the deductible by the end of the 2nd week of January. And of special importance for Middle Son, there is a benefit for ABA therapy (although unlike the health plan, it does have a 10% copay).<div>
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It took a while to get the written referrals, sort through various service providers, etc. We selected an agency that does lots of work with older kids and works on the entire family system rather than simply doing discrete trial work with the child. </div>
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We have a program manager who we are meeting with, and in a few weeks Middle's behavior tech (the term they use for the person who actually works with the child) will start one on one work with him.</div>
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Middle hasn't had this kind of therapy since before the Mother of my Children and I got divorced almost 7 years ago. It wasn't particularly effective for him at the time. In some ways at that time he was almost a feral child. When I look back at some of my oldest posts it's amazing how far he has come. Living with me, in a household that is much more structured and orderly made a big difference for him. The first nanny I hired did a tremendous job--she's the one who got him toilet training. My Beloved Wife is fantastic with him, she's gotten him to do things I couldn't get him to do.</div>
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I hope and think that the ABA therapy will be much more effective now than it was in the past.</div>
AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-35482309378097964412016-01-28T13:21:00.001-08:002016-01-28T13:21:32.739-08:00School BathroomsYesterday was Youngest Son's parent teacher conference. <br />
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After the conference I stopped to use the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, I remembered something about hat bathroom and Oldest Son when he was in elementary school.<br />
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In kindergarten and first grade, Oldest <i>never</i> used the school bathroom. He finally started using it in second grade.<br />
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<br />AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-89605939861637531172016-01-28T13:07:00.001-08:002016-01-28T13:07:57.201-08:00LightsOne of the things that drives My Beloved Wife crazy is lights being left on.<br />
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For a very long time, Middle Son wanted all lights on all the time. I can remember when we would go over to his grandparent's house (my ex's parents). Middle would immediately walk through the house and flip on every light switch. Grandpa would follow around behind him turning lights back off. Sometimes they would do several laps around the house.<br />
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MBW has been working with Middle on the concept of turning lights off. A couple of nights ago Middle was getting a snack after dinner. We had left some of his dinner on the table as we often do. The lights were off. Middle walked into the dining room and turned on the lights. He sat down and ate. Then he got up, turned the lights back off, and went back upstairs.<br />
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MBW was very excited. It is nice to see it when Middle makes progress.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-62395746093341350882016-01-25T15:36:00.001-08:002016-01-25T15:36:46.873-08:00InfluenceOne of the challenges of parenting teens is finding ways to influence them and their decisions. They are working to establish their autonomy and independence, and are not terribly receptive to suggestions from their parents. In some ways it's easier with kids on the spectrum. They are more easily moved by facts. Unless it hits a trigger issue, in which case it all goes out the window.<br />
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The lease on our current home ends in July. We moved to Bellevue specifically to get the kids into the Bellevue school district. By June both Oldest Son and Younger Stepdaughter will be done with high school. Given that, and the high cost of housing in Bellevue, we're planning to move when the lease is up.<br />
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We're struggling to decide where we will move to. My Beloved Wife grew up on a farm and very much wants to live a rural life. I'm not as comfortable with that idea. I also want to be sure we have good access to public transportation for Oldest.<br />
<br />
As we've discussed various options, MBW has talked about getting a smaller house, and then buying trailers or RVs for the Oldest and Younger. We had been discussing it with Older Stepdaughter as well, but she recently took an apartment of her own and moved out.<br />
<br />
Oldest had a school assignment about finding a place to live as an adult. He had to pick a place to live, find out what it would cost to buy a residence in that area, identify a career that would pay enough to afford the residence, and work through the math of saving for a down payment.<br />
<br />
The assignment was WAY overdue. Tracking and completing tasks is one of Oldest's biggest challenges. He had gotten an extension, but had only one evening left to do it. I spent about an hour helping him work through it. He was trying to find ways to minimize the effort required. We talked about some ways to do that. He said he'd asked his teacher if it would be ok to plan on buying an RV to live in, and she'd agreed to that idea. Buying an RV could be done on a low income, like a fast-food worker, which meant he didn't have to do research on finding a career.<br />
<br />
We searched craigslist for an RV, worked out what the down payment would need to be and how long it would take to save. Then we calculated what the total cost of the loan would be. He commented when we were done that it was really cheap. I said yes it would be. That's part of why MBW has been pushing the idea.<br />
<br />
Later that evening I told MBW about the conversation. She was very excited to see that Oldest is listening to the ideas she puts forth and sees merit in them. <br />
<br />
She is having an influence.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-75694091774763863362016-01-21T13:43:00.000-08:002016-01-21T13:43:15.422-08:00Finding the ClassroomWednesday morning I took Middle Son to school.<div>
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He had spent the night at MomC's. Normally MomC's mother takes Middle to work on Wednesdays so that MomC can get to work on time. This week grandma was sick. So I meet MomC at her workplace and got Middle.</div>
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We were late, so I had to go to the attendance office to sign him in. We've done this enough times that the attendance secretary recognizes us and automatically calls Middle's classroom. His aide or teacher comes to get him from me.</div>
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This time the secretary wasn't there. Rather than explain to one of the students behind the desk, I decided to take him to the classroom myself. There was just one problem. I don't know where his classroom is.</div>
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I decided to ask Middle and see what he would do. I asked him to take me to his classroom. He hesitated and then started walking slowly forward. I asked him again, and said "You know where it is, show daddy." He continued at a leisurely stroll.</div>
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I wasn't sure if he could, but sure enough he took me to the right room.</div>
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AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-40288841666002357922016-01-14T11:11:00.002-08:002016-01-14T11:17:22.916-08:00Searching for SweetsAs far as we can tell, food is one of the most important things in Middle Son's world. He has a huge sweet tooth. He also has a very good map in his head of where goodies are in the house.<br />
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For Christmas we got him a yard of licorice and a yard of cookies (3 foot long containers). We've been letting him each big chunks of them on request.<br />
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We keep them in the pantry. Our current house has a walk-in pantry, and we've put a keypad lock on it so that we can store things there and Middle can't get into them.<br />
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Last night, we heard the beep-beep sound of someone hitting the buttons on the keypad lock. It was Middle. We asked if he was looking for his cookies and he signed yes. So I gave him the last box from his yard of cookies. He was very happy to sit and munch on them. <br />
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I turned the big box upside down to show him that it was empty, then left it on the table. Hopefully he understood that and won't be upset that there are no more cookies.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5997530134139979169.post-45072174678383267062016-01-12T16:55:00.000-08:002016-01-12T16:55:02.679-08:00Bottomless PitMiddle Son eats a lot. Given that he is fifteen, this is not a surprise.<br />
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This weekend, as he sat down at the dinner table for about the 5th time, My Beloved Wife commented that he was having a bottomless pit weekend. <br />
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The she asked him if he was a bottomless pit. To our amusement and surprise, he signed "yes."<br />
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I'm never sure how much language Middle really understands, but in that moment it sure looked like he understood the question.AustismDadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03894893766384263623noreply@blogger.com0