Who Speaks for Whom?

Last night, at the request of Younger Step-Daughter, we had dinner with her dad and his wife.  Younger has been living with them for the last 6 months, and she wants to move back in with us.  Dad and step-mom were not happy about this and had been raising concerns, dragging their feet, and generally making Younger uncomfortable.

My Beloved Wife asked me to come along because I'm more adept at managing these sorts of high-emotion conversations.  There were some tense moments.  I used all the tools in my bag.  We reached agreement on the logistics of Younger moving in with us and discussed some things that may happen over the next year.  All in all, I thought it went reasonably well.  As we left the restaurant Younger said "that went WAY better than I expected."

One of the stranger things that I noticed was that step-mom tended to speak for dad.  She said "your dad thinks...your dad feels."  At one point she said that dad felt like Younger had betrayed him.  I asked him if that was how he felt.  He said yes, he felt like he had been stabbed in the back.  That was a tough moment.  Younger just about broke down and started sobbing.  And then once that was said out loud and we got past the moment, things got a lot easier.  Dad engaged more directly in the conversation and we were able to work through his concerns.

When we got home, I told Younger (and Older Daughter, who was home from work and sitting at the table with us) that I had a piece of advice for them when dealing with their dad and step-mom.  Make sure you are having the conversation with your dad, not your step-mom.  Step-mom wants to speak for dad, and for whatever reason dad lets her do it.  You need to engage with him.  If she says he wants this or feels that, turn to your dad and ask him if that is how he feels.  If you do that you will get a better outcome than if you let her speak for him.

Today I am grateful...

I got to see Middle Son make an emotional connection with people he hadn't seen for almost 2 years.

We were taking Youngest Son to school.  We were late enough that I had to go inside with him.  He led my towards where his classroom was when he attended this school.

We went into the room.  He saw the teacher and classroom aides he had for three years.  He smiled.  He giggled.  He jumped and waved his hands.  They were equally pleased to see him again.

This was the first time that Middle had seen them since he left elementary school for middle school.

Today I am grateful...

that I arrived at work safely.  When I got to my office there had been a major accidental at the intersection right in front of the building.  A minivan was lying on its side.  There was a hole in the roof where the fire department had cut it open to get the driver out.

Yikes.

I am also pleased to report that Oldest Son sent me something he is grateful for yesterday.

Progress

Middle Son turned 13 a few weeks ago.  It was the day before we moved, so MomC agreed to host a small birthday celebration at her house.  It was us, her and her local relatives, and Middle's two paid caregivers.

One of the caregivers, Angie, was Middle's aide at school years ago.  We got to talking about how things have changed.  When she first started working with Middle he was aggressive.  He was self-injurious and would sometimes try to hit the other kids in his class.

I remembered a conversation we had with his private ABA therapist around that time.  She said that on his current path (IIRC he was 6 at the time) he would need two on one supervision to keep him safe as an adolescent.  If that happened we wouldn't be able to keep him in our home.  We would have to put him in state care to keep him (and us) safe.

And that didn't happen.  We hit the right combination of therapy and medication, and now Middle is a good-tempered, easy going kid.

Until that conversation I had lost sight of just how far we have come in the last 7 years.

Today I am grateful...

That I have a job where I can largely control my own hours.  I drove Middle Son to school today and stopped to chat with his teacher and the assistant principal about his upcoming school change.  Wednesday morning I will be going to meet with his new teachers and view his new classroom.  Tuesday afternoon I will be working from home because we have people coming in to install new blinds in the house.

I can do this without any issues.  I'm a salaried employee in a high-trust workplace.  My manager trusts that I will get my work done even when he can't observe me.  I trust that my team will do their jobs well without me watching over them.

This would not be true in many jobs.

Time Out

A couple of weeks ago Youngest Son and I were standing in the hallway.  Youngest turned and started pushing the buttons on Oldest Son's door lock (we have keypad locks on the doors to keep Middle Son out).  I asked him what he was doing and he said "practicing the door locks."

I was highly skeptical.  I said I didn't believe him.  I said I thought he was trying to get into Oldest's room.  I thought he didn't want to say that because he was afraid he'd get in trouble for it.  He stuck to his story.  I repeated that I didn't believe him.  I said it was ok for him to want to go into Oldest's room.  If he'd told me he wanted to go into the room, he wouldn't get in trouble for that.  Actually going in the room would get him in trouble, but not wanting to go in.  Lying to me about what he was doing was a much larger problem.

He talked in circles a little, trying to stay out of trouble.  Finally, I said one last time that I did not believe he was practicing, and asked him what we should do.

He looked down at the floor and said quietly "a time out."

Thanks

Oldest Son had a D&D game this afternoon.  As I was driving him over, he thanked me for driving him.  He said that he thinks he should say thank you more often than he does, and is working on that.  I told him that is a great idea.  It's really hard to be too thankful.

I told him that I've been reading about gratitude practices--make a habit of writing down every day something in your life that you are grateful for.  I said it might be helpful for us to be gratitude partners, and email each other every day with something that we are grateful for.  I asked if he wanted to try it, and he said yes.

I just emailed him my first one.  Tonight we cut Middle Son's hair.  He HATES having his hair cut.  Even with multiple sedatives it still takes 4 people.  Three to hold him still and one to run the clippers.  I was grateful that Oldest, as well as Older and Younger Daughters, were able and will to help.