His humanities teacher was less positive. Youngest missed a quite a few of days of school this semester to illness. She said that given how much time he missed, she is comfortable giving him a "Pass" grade in English and History, meaning he did ok under the circumstances. The she said if we don't see improvements, she won't be able to give him a Pass next quarter. He doesn't turn in a much homework, and what he does turn in isn't up to standards. He will right one bullet point where there should be four, or a single sentence where there should be a paragraph.
We talked briefly about his current work. He complained that book they are reading for English is boring. She replied that she would love to get an essay about why he doesn't like the book. We talked about what his current assignments and what needs to be turned in soon. There was a significant history assignment, and he would be writing an essay on the book he doesn't like.
While talking with My Girlfriend (MGF) about the day, I came to the conclusion that the only way Youngest is likely to pull it together for school is if I take action. MomC complains to me on a regular basis about how hard it is do get him to do anything at her house. He doesn't want to do homework, he won't get out of bed for school, he doesn't help around the house, he spends all his time sitting in front of his computer. The only non-computer activity he seems really interested in is playing with his dog.
I have a really hard time with this. He does what I ask him to. I can get him out of bed over the phone. At my house he will start the dishwasher after dinner without being asked. I have difficulty making sense out of how he does things easily for me that he won't do at all for her.
That night I called Youngest and asked him what homework he was going to do tomorrow. He said he could work finishing the novel they were reading. He couldn't start on the essay yet because the teacher was going to give him the writing prompt for that on Friday. I asked what time I should call and see how he was doing and he said 2:00. He hadn't read much at 2:00 but said he could finish it today. So we agreed that I would call him between 7 and 8 to see how he was doing. When I talked to him at 7:15, he said he was done. I said great. What are you working on tomorrow and when should I call. He said History, call at 2.
When I called him the next day he hadn't started yet at 2. I asked what time I should call to check on his progress. I ended up calling him four times that day. He only managed to get a small amount of homework done. I started thinking that the only way he's going to get homework done is if I'm keeping him on track. I told his mom that I was thinking of coming over to her house in the evenings to sit with him and make sure he does his homework, and asked her what she thought of that idea. She said she was ok with it.
Then I had a very interesting conversation with MGF about it. I told her that I was thinking of doing this. She said that if Youngest's real motivation (or part of his real motivation) was to get my attention, then I'd be giving him exactly what he wants without him having to do anything different. She also pointed out that this would give MomC a pass. I wouldn't be asking her to do anything, and as primary custodial parent she was the one who ought to be handling this, not me. All the inconvenience would be on me and MGF. Thinking about that, I remembered the experience of trying to get him to do homework during the early days of the pandemic. I'd often spend a hour with him and to get one math problem done.
I didn't want to do that again, so I proposed that Youngest come over to my house on Sunday. He and I both like role-playing games, and I had a new one I wanted to try out. We could spend some time on that, and some time on homework. So we did that. We spent some time with the game, then we alternated between game and homework. He helped me make dinner without objection or complaint. By the time I took him home he'd spent about 1 1/2 hours on homework and had finished his big history assignment.
I was talking with my therapist the next day about all this. I told her that I don't understand why MomC can't get him to do things. She said she doesn't do a lot of parent coaching because, like me, she has a hard time understanding how parents are unable to get their kids to do things. She said that being unable to motivate your kids is a widespread problem, and in her observation, most of the parents who can't get their kids to do things don't have a strong connection to their children.
She said that I obviously have a very strong connection with Middle, and with his brothers too because I am able to get them to do things. She asked if I thought MomC had a real connection to Youngest. I pondered that for a bit. In the first couple of years post-divorce, I used to hang out with one of MomC's close friends. She had a son who was very similar to Oldest and they got along well. I remember her telling me that she saw lots of stuff about Youngest on Facebook, but very little about Middle and Oldest Sons.
As an upper-middle class stay at home mom, MomC had two paths to "success." One was her big beautiful house, and the other was her high-achieving children. The costs of autism therapy for Middle and Oldest meant that we didn't have a big beautiful house. Oldest was clearly bright in some areas, but was not on track to be a high achiever. I remember thinking that MomC probably saw Youngest as her best chance for success. I had assumed that she had an effective connection with him, but looking at the evidence, I didn't really see one. That was a hard moment. I had accepted long ago that her connection to Middle was never going to be as strong as mine, but I hadn't really thought about her connection, or lack thereof, with Oldest and Youngest. It saddens me to think that they don't have a good connection to her either.
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