Dodged a Bullet

Wife 2 and I got divorced about 18 months ago.  I got something in the mail last week that, once again, confirmed my decision.

Wife 2's younger daughter has type 1 diabetes.  During the time we together, Younger was a regular visitor to the ER.  She was hospitalized multiple times.  I have been fortunate enough to have excellent medical insurance last dozen years.  I did go through some times of crappy insurance in the early '00s.  So her episodes were not a major financial burden.

Younger got some mail at my house last week.  It turned out to be a collection notice.  She owes Overlake Hospital about $1600.  I assume it was an ER visit.

If Wife 2 and I were still together, we would almost certainly be helping out with that bill.

Since we are not, I dodged that bullet.

Apples and Oranges

Last night, Middle Son was hungry when we got home.  Dinner wasn't going to be ready for a while.  I gave him an apple and encouraged him to eat it multiple.  He just sat there with it.  Eventually I cut it up into quarters.  He snarfed it up.  He was still hungry, so I gave him an orange.  That he ate whole, the way most people would eat an apple.

Many are the Mysteries of Middle.

Going to School

Youngest Son "missed the bus" yesterday.  We thought he was at school.  Then the school's automated attendance system called to report him absent.  As a teacher, MomC can't just leave to go deal with problems.  I can.  So I'm the lucky one who gets to go get Youngest and take him to school.

It's become a significant problem this year.  Most weeks I've had to get him and take him to school at least once, often twice.  And he isn't doing homework.

Some days MomC can't get him to get out of bed.  I've never had him refuse to get out of bed.  It reminds me of when Oldest Son was in Middle School.  MomC would call because she couldn't get him out of bed.  She said she even tried pouring ice water on him.  I could get him out of bed over the phone--I didn't even need to be at her house.

MomC is ok with having him spend nights at my house as a consequence--if Youngest doesn't get up on Monday, then he has to spend the night at my house on Thursday.  Monday's and Friday's are the most likely days for him to try and stay home.  If he's at my house, he doesn't give me as much trouble as he gives his mom.  MomC doesn't want him to change his residence to living with me--I've brought it up occasionally, and a few months ago she asked me to stop bringing it up.  It made her feel like I thought she was incompetent and I was a super-parent who could fix her mess.  Which is not exactly wrong.  It is a significant exaggeration.

I'm not crazy about staying at Dad's house being a consequence for misbehavior.  I think (I hope) his big objection to coming to my house is that he doesn't get to be with his beloved dog Soldier.  I'm not interested in having Soldier at my house.  He's not been trained well and is wild.

I think that overall Youngest would be better off living with me.  MomC would fight that tooth and nail.  Frankly, I don't think it would be good for me to have Youngest living with me right now.  I'm better than I was six months ago, but still somewhat fragile/frail in terms of my ability to cope with life. 

When you are struggling to stay afloat, you shouldn't pick up another rock.

Back Again

It's been several years since I posted anything.  Not for lack of things to post.  My Beloved Wife and I got divorced about a year and a half ago.  Back in May, at the strong urging of my manager, I went out on disability leave for depression.  I was out for six months.  I've been back now for two months.

One of the things that I realized while I was out was that I can't keep caring for Middle Son at this level of intensity.  Since My Beloved Wife became ex-wife number two (hereafter referred to as Wife 2) I've been taking care of Middle all by myself.  No paid or unpaid caregivers.  Just me.  Mostly it's manageable, but sometimes it manifestly IS NOT manageable.

I've do a little bit of investigation to find an external placement for him.  No luck so far.  Everyplace (except one) required that residents be able to do things like call 911 or manage their own medications, which Middle can't do.  The one that doesn't have requirements that he can't meet is in Vancouver, Washington.  Vancouver is about four hours away.  And it doesn't take Medicaid.  So that one is out too.  I don't want Middle so far away that I can't visit on weekdays.  And I can't afford to pay out of pocket.

Oldest Son is doing well.  He's working at a grocery store and seems to be happy with the work.  He was employee of the month in November and was very proud about that.  He started an architecture and design program at the local technical college this fall and is in his second quarter.  It seems to be going ok.  MomC says he really wants to move out of her house, and asked if I'd be able to help.  I can help some, but I'm not doing it unless he asks me directly.  He will need a roommate.  I'm not going to subsidize him enough to have his own apartment.

Youngest Son started Middle School this year.  He is having a hard time.  He doesn't want to go to school, especially on Monday and Friday, which are the days that they run in PE.  He says school makes him really sad.  This weekend he told me that he feels sad more often than not.  :-(  He started seeing a therapist last week.  We've met with the school counselor.  MomC asked what she thought might be going on.  We were thinking that maybe he is being bullied in PE.  The counselor said there are so many possible causes that it wasn't worth speculating.  She talked to the PE teachers and they were not able to identify any specific problem.

Middle has moved to the "Transition Academy" at school now that he has finished his senior year of high school.  The program that he's in is focused on figuring out what kind of work he is capable of and might enjoy doing, then finding him a paying job.  The program that he is in is all kids on the lower end functionally/developmentally.  It is expected that they will always need to have a job coach around to keep an eye on them.  The staff says he is doing well and it probably won't be difficult to find him a job.  One of the places that they go is a place that does horse riding therapy, and he seems to enjoy sweeping up there.  It doesn't surprise me.  He rakes leaves with great vigor and joy.  Although it's difficult to keep him pointed in the right direction.  He did a great job of spreading out mulch the last time I put mulch down.

More posts to follow.

Bedtime Routine

Middle Son's bedtime routine starts at 8:30.  I give him his night time medicine.  We brush his teeth and shave his face.  Then it's time for his shower.  I scrub him with a loofa, then I give it to him and let him scrub and enjoy the warm water for a while. After a little time, I rinse him off and he gets out.  I dry his back for him.

Middle has always been prompt dependent.  He has to be told to close the shower curtain.  He has to be told to hang up his towel.  He has to be told to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in his laundry basket.

A month or so ago, I started fading out of the room after drying his back.  I wanted to see if he what he would do if I didn't give him any instructions.  I would walk out and partially close the door.  Every few minutes I'd peak in to see what he was doing.  I discovered that if I waited long enough, 10-12 minutes, he finish drying himself.  He would close the shower curtain.  He would pick up his dirty clothes and put them in his laundry basket.

Now most nights he will do everything without prompting.  Sometimes he will forget one of his tasks.  Most commonly, he doesn't get all of his dirty clothes out of the bathroom and I have to tell him to go back in and get a dirty sock.

It feels very slow.  I have to remind myself to give him time.  As he does so often, Middle reminds me that patience is a great virtue.

Thumbnails

Middle Son has never liked having his fingernails clipped.  As he has gotten bigger and stronger (he's now 5'8", 175 lbs, and very strong) its gotten harder and harder.  About a year ago, I gave up on using a nail clipper on his thumbs and pointer fingers.  He struggled to much.  I was worried that I would end up getting a finger broken.  I switched to using file.  I continued to use clippers on the other fingers.  For some reason Middle doesn't object as strongly to that.

Also about a year ago, we started doing ABA therapy again with him.  Unlike virtually every other employer, Microsoft's benefits package includes specific coverage for ABA.  On of the things that I told them I wanted to work on was using fingernail clippers.

Wednesday night, Middle allowed me to use the clippers on his thumbnails and one pointer finger.  I was very excited to see the progress.

School

Yesterday, just as I was arriving at work, I got a call from the Mother of my Children.

Oldest Son is living at her house full time since he graduated from high school.  MomC is now working as a substitute teacher, so she has to be out of the house early in the morning.  We're paying Oldest to get Youngest Son to school in the morning.

She told me that Oldest had called.  Youngest had said he was sick and didn't want to go to school and they were arguing.  She said that Oldest was yelling and Youngest was crying and saying Oldest had hurt him, and she wasn't sure everyone was safe.  She wanted me to go see what was happening.  I said I would go check.

When I got there I asked them what was going on.  They both started talking.  I stopped them and told Youngest to tell me first.  He said he was sick and couldn't go to school.  He said Oldest had picked him up out of bed.  He said Oldest had grabbed him by the arms.  His arms and back hurt.

I had him show me his arms.  There were no bruises.  There were no red marks.  I told him he was ok.  He said it really hurt.  I said it was like getting hit by a soccer ball, or falling off his skateboard.  It hurt now, but it would be fine.

I had Oldest tell me his side of the story.  He said Youngest wouldn't do what he was told, and he got mad at him.

I turned back to Youngest.  I told him that he was not going to be the one to decide if he was too sick to go to school.  Neither was Oldest.  If he was sick he need to call me or MomC and talk to us.  We would decide if he could stay home or go to school.  And if we told him to go to school, he would go to school without arguing.  If we told he to go to school and he didn't, I'd come over again, and that wouldn't be good.  I asked him to tell me what the rule was, and he repeated it back to me--if he felt sick he had to call me or his mom.  We would decide.  I asked if he would follow this rule, and he said yes.

Then I turned to Oldest and went through the same thing.  I also told him that he would not pick up Youngest or grab him.  I said I knew he wouldn't intentionally hurt he brother, but that he is big and strong, and when he is irritated or angry he forgets how strong he is and could accidentally hurt someone.  I asked him if he would follow this rule, and he said yes.

It was now 5 minutes after school starts, so I sent Youngest off.

I stayed a few minutes and talked to Oldest.  He said the problem is that Youngest won't do what Oldest tells him to do.  I asked him if he does what MomC tells him.  He said yes, eventually, but MomC isn't really in charge of him, she's only in charge of the house.  I said he lives in her house, and she pays all his bills (except the ones I pay), so she is in charge.  Then I said that she's told me she asked him to help around the house and he doesn't.

I asked if him if, when he was in Boy Scouts, there had been older Scouts who he wanted to be like.  He said there were.  I told him that little brothers are like that--they want to be like their big brothers.  If his brother sees that Oldest doesn't do what he's told by his mom, then he will think he doesn't need to do what he's told by Oldest.  He said he'd never thought of that.

Then it got really interesting.  He asked me if I thought MomC was easier on Youngest than she'd been on the other two.  I started to say yes, then thought better of it.  I said it could be that she is.  But I don't see MomC and Youngest together very often, so I'm not the right person to answer that question.  His aunt or his cousin would be better.  He said that she (his aunt) agrees with him on that.

We talked about the fact that Middle Son usually does what I tell him to do.  He often ignores what MomC tells him.  I've always been careful about what I tell Middle to do.  If he doesn't do something I tell him to do, I will take him by the hand and lead him through doing it.  Over the years, he's realized that when I tell him to do something, we are going to do it whether he likes it or not.  MomC never established that with him, so Middle feels free to ignore her.